Dr. David Henderson

Conflict Resolution

When You Feel Attacked
November 09, 2011
David Henderson

Relationships are full of conflict. If you have managed to avoid it this far in your life, I guarantee you that you have also managed to avoid people. Avoiding conflict is not the answer, although we can certainly try to steer clear of meaningless squabbles and debates. The true sign of a healthy relationship is one that navigates the stormy seas of conflict with intentionality and precision. The only way to do this is to first understand why and how conflict tends to arise. We discussed the first source of conflict in the previous post: POWER. The second source of Conflict is Power’s mirror image: Preservation.

Preservation. Preservation of self is a natural response when we feel we are being manipulated, mistreated, overlooked, or attacked. Our physical bodies even generate responses that alert us to potential threats. Our heart rate increases, our face flushes, our eyes dilate, and our muscles tense. This does not just happen when we feel physically threatened, but emotionally threatened as well. Unfortunately, we can become super-sensitized to possible threats in our relationships, especially if we have been hurt before. If we are not careful, we can perceive threats where there are none. It takes a great deal of intentionality and persistence to recalibrate our system and raise the “conflict threshold” in our minds. So how can we manage our sense of self-preservation as we engage in conflict?

1.      Consider the threat. What has been done to you that has caused you pain? Was it intentional or unintentional? If unintentional, can you let it go? (1 Peter 4:8) If it was intentional, what was the motive? Sometimes people hurt us for good reason. No one likes criticism but sometimes there is truth in what people say. If they were simply being hateful, then what about their actions or words penetrated and threatened your sense of self? We need to take time to consider the threat before we can effectively deal with it.

 2.      Bandage fresh wounds. The Vikings had great warriors called Berserkers who would psych themselves into a frenzied rage before charging into battle. Once they started, there was no stopping them. These soldiers would fight to exhaustion, often ignoring their wounds until they bled to death in the heat of battle. I know too many people who fight like this when they feel attacked. We forget that it’s okay to call timeout. Step back, look at where you have been hurt, and do some damage control before you confront someone. Maybe you need to meet with a trusted friend or advisor to sure up your sense of self. Maybe you need to pray and ask God to give you wisdom and discernment moving forward. Words can penetrate deep into our soul and taking time to heal a little before we jump into a conflict will allow you to resolve it more effectively. If not, you just might cut deeper wounds and bleed all over everyone around you. What a mess!

 3.      Hide yourself in God. “The name of the Lord is a strong tower. The righteous run into it and are safe.” (Proverbs 18:10). What does it mean to “run into the name of the Lord like a strong tower?” In regard to our relationships, it means that our identity becomes so wrapped up in who He is, that people can’t see us anymore. They see God.  This, then, becomes our truest source of protection. He will fight our battles, the more we place our identity in him. Then, we can worry less about preservation and more about resolving the conflict and strengthening our relationships.

Question: What has helped you in situations where you feel attacked by others?